In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
