just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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