Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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