I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
