Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
