That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
