..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
