so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
