You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
