dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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