I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
