someone threw a dead crab at me
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
