I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
