Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
