You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
