I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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