32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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