if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
