I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
