OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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