Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
