I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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