Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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