I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
