her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize