I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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