A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
