we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
