I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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