buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
