if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
