dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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