I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Holy shit dude........stairs
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
