I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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