its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
