I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
