Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
