Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
