I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
