alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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