i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
