I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize