I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
