Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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