He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
