I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
