My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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