i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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