I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
there's paper in my vomit.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
