guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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