I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
