i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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