The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
