I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize