I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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