she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
