I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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