dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
